Anxiety

I had a bad week. It is hard to put a finger on exactly what was wrong with it and no one else probably noticed except M. Work really went fine even though I didn't get to several projects that I needed to. Home even went okay. I did some laundry, cooked a few dinners at home, went to see a friend at his hangar, only had to work late one night, got my new Zulu headsets delivered, etc. On the surface it seemed fine.

However for some reason, I just felt increasingly anxious. I know I was snappy to M, and even at work I was quieter and a little more standoffish. I finally decided that I was just overwhelmed with the amount of stuff incomplete at home. I had days worth of mail unopened, I hadn't balanced checkbooks since we got back from vacation, I hadn't caught all the laundry up at once since before vacation, I hadn't done much cleaning and since M has been sanding the study wood floor every night, the downstairs is getting coated with fine white dust, a pile of M's stuff had accumulated on the corner of the kitchen cabinets, things were just piling up even though I was getting what was necessary done. Even finding blogging time was making me feel anxious and after I partially started the last blog, I really felt like I NEEDED to make time to finish it.

I think inside I had just worked myself all up into a tizzy. I would smack anyone who tried to say that to me but it is true. I was trying to hold my own and doing a good job of it but it was taking a toll on me inside. It sounds dumb but I am all about trying to stay in control. I have a very strong need to feel in control of my life at all times and it effects me when I feel like that control is slipping. It doesn't make sense to everyone because it is not like any of these things being unfinished really has any effect on important stuff but it matters to me and I have learned that I have to feel good about my efforts to feel good about myself. I can choose not to get to something and it doesn't bother me, but if I just fail to get to it from laziness or something then it really bothers me.

I have been so tired in the evenings and so willing to just sit around doing the minimum amount of work that I knew it was my own fault stuff had got behind. Part of it is how badly I have been hurting too which makes me feel like a failure. I swept the floor the other night and had to ice my back afterward because the twisting had caused a spasm. It makes me frustrated. Also has been home before me for the last two weeks. This sounds like an odd excuse but I have always done most of my housework, straightening, study work, etc. while M is gone. That way when he is home, we can be together doing whatever. I also get a lot done while he is out doing yardwork and it has been too wet for him to work in the yard for last two weeks.

Anyway, I had to do something to get over this funk I had worked myself into. I stopped eating any aspartame. Normally I eat a lot of aspartame/nutra sweet. I am a heavy diet Coke drinker plus it's in my yogurt, creamer, and probably other things. My doctor is currently treating me for fibromyalgia and I have been pessimistic about it because it seems like such a make-believe problem. However, a lot, and I mean a lot of my symptoms sounds just like the description for fibromyalgia. We have all seen the mass email scam about the problems caused by aspartame and I have never had a doctor willing to confirm it. However, I found a reputable article on webmd.com that some people with fibromyalgia are very effected by aspartame. It doesn't imply that it caused the fibro but that it worsens it. Kind of like people with migraines try to avoid foods with MSG. It seemed like it was worth trying to me. I am 3 days into it and it is going well. I have tried to quit diet Coke before but the lack of caffeine caused me to suffer withdrawls for awhile. Since I have still been having coffee that hasn't happened.

I also stayed home from the lake this weekend. M went down last night and really wanted me to go but he understood that I had stuff to finish. Last night instead of sitting around after he left, I started cleaning. I got the entire downstairs done and this morning started on the upstairs. I went to the bank already this morning and am planning to get the grocery shopping done in the morning. I am going to work in the office this afternoon and evening. It has already improved my mood. I just keep moving and keep accomplishing things. It feels great.

M is coming home early on Sunday because we have concert tickets tomorrow night to see Brooks and Dun, ZZ Top and Rodney Akins. I want to be free of worry and be able to enjoy myself. As hard as it can be, I just have to remember that I am in control of how I feel about myself and how I react to situations.