20

Tonight is my 20th high school reunion party. I am not going. Only reason I even know about it is because of my facebook account. Only reason I even remembered it is because today is my nephew's 20th birthday.

It is hard to believe - - - 20 years. I did not enjoy high school. I didn't hate it but I have no desire to see any of the 900+ people I graduted with. I "talk" to the few I remember on facebook and it is nice to see what they are up to in that setting. However, I have no desire to make small talk with these people for a whole weekend of events.

Sounds cynical maybe. I don't mean it to. I graduated with so many people and I only went to three hours of class my senior year. I was working by noon every day. I was already dating M so I didn't hang out with many people my age.

I didn't get anything out of high school. I didn't learn anything. I was shy and quiet and not very rich since my mom supported us on her own. Rich was important in my school. Rich kids got a lot of attention from teachers. I never had anyone talk to me about taking college credits in high school or even about going to college after high school. I was smart. Too smart but not very applied. Because I was shy, I hid being smart. Sounds dumb, but it is very true.

M is the one that pushed me to go to college. It was almost like I hadn't even thought about it. He brought it up and I thought, "okay, I can do that." Now here I am with a masters and a great challenging job I love and lots of room to move up still. We got married when I was just 19 and M never complained about college costs or the fact that it took 10 years to finish as I started to work more hours.

I don't mean to imply my mom ignored me. Not at all. But she just didn't think about it. She was busy working and getting by and I realize now that was a lot more of a struggle than she ever let on. We can be a lot alike and I am sure she never even thought about encouraging me or pushing me to do better. It just never crossed her mind. Without M pushing for college, I probably would have got a job and done okay. I am a hard worker and take on more and more work without anyone even asking. I would have done good and I did do good even before I graduated with bachelors, but the degree helped and pushed me to another level.

Today was a hard day. It's hard to be at this other level and realize that you have to make decisions that affect people's lives. It is tough even when it is warranted. Even people that make bad choices or do bad things are people. They have families that depend on them.

Need this weekend. Actually need to work, getting stuff done is a big relief, but I will take weekend off. Maybe get more rest. I have been dreaming a lot. Dumb stuff but I think it is because there is so much on my mind. So many problems being worked on or avenues to explore. Mind doesn't have time to shut down. Weekends help. More time to spend with M. Love time with M.